Bob the Cheese The Episode
by strequirius
Summary: Based on the webseries Bob the Cheese. Bob and Phil are sitting on the counter, as usual, when a british cheese from the Talking Food Network shows up offering them a deal for a reality show.


We were sitting in our usual spot, on the kitchen counter. Just me and Bob. We had an interesting relationship if you didn't know. It could be easily misinterpreted as if I just barely tolerated this fool that I had spent countless hours with for as long as I could remember. The truth is that I really did like him; I just didn't want him to know it. Why, you might ask? Well probably because his already annoying amount of one-sided conversations with me would increase to the point that I would most likely go crazy…or at least crazier than he had already made me. How might a stick of butter go crazy? I'm not quite sure really. Actually I don't even understand how food can talk, but it's quite a strange world that we live in.

Today was a day that had seemed like any other, but it wasn't. You know why? Yes, because Bob was beside me, babbling on about fish or something. This was actually just like every other day, but normally he talks about magic portals or walls that have eyes. Yes, today he must be tired because fish are actually quite normal in comparison to his usual subjects. Oh, now he was asking me a question. I didn't quite hear what it was though. "What Bob," I asked in a voice that sounded more annoyed than I had intended it to sound.

"I was asking you who that guy sitting behind you is," he answered in his seemingly innocent voice.

I slowly moved my eyes in the direction he was referring to but realized that they couldn't go any farther. Yes, I can not see behind myself. Unfortunately, one of the downsides of being a food is that we don't have legs, so wherever we are, we're stuck there until moved. Bob was facing me though so he could see behind me…yes, it's actually not as confusing as I'm making it sound. "I can't see him Bob, I don't know," I answered him quickly after realizing the fact.

"Oh, okay then," he said disappointedly.

I waited for some sort of explanation or description but received neither. He was just sitting there in silence. He truly was the oddest thing I had ever met. I gave him another minute before asking, "Well? Ask him who he is, or at least tell me what he looks like."

"Well, he's a piece of cheese," Bob began to explain.

I interrupted him, again annoyed, "Bob, I'm pretty sure it's just a mirror then."

"I'm not a mirror," said an offended English voice, "but I am a piece of cheese."

If I were a human, I would have wet my pants. I wished a person would turn me around to see who this English cheese was. I wondered why he had been sitting behind us without saying anything for…I don't know how long. "I'm sorry," I began to apologize, "I didn't see you, and I still don't actually…um, my name is Phill, and the other cheese here is my friend Bob."

"Yes, yes, I know who you are," the English cheese answered hastily, "I've been sitting here observing you for a while."

"I'm sorry, but who are you," I asked.

"Oh, yes, my name is Gerald from the Talking Food Network," he answered, "I've been scouting around for foods to star in a new reality series."

I was confused. I had never heard of a Talking Food Network, or of any reality series starring foods. "A reality series," I questioned.

"I've always wanted to be on TV," Bob stated, "You know, we have one here in this house."

"Yes, well I've been watching you two," Gerald continued, disregarding Bob's comment, "and I think that you would be great in a new series."

"As tempting as that offer sounds, I think I'll," I started.

"Okay," Bob said, rudely interrupting me, "When do we start?"

"Never," I said quickly.

"Oh? And why not Phill," Gerald asked, "Your friend here is obviously very interested. Are you sure you want to let him down?"

"I've never heard of a Talking Food Network before," I said, "and I don't like the idea of having cameras on us all the time either."

"I assure you," Gerald said in a soothing voice, "You won't notice the cameras at all."

I tried to give him a questioning glance before realizing that he was still behind me. "I'm pretty sure I will notice, thank you," I said.

"Oh, really," he said in an almost evil sounding voice, "Have you noticed any cameras on you recently?"

"No," I answered, "Why?"

"Why?" Gerald laughed as if he were the main villain in a kid's movie, "Because I've had cameras on you since I came here, and the Talking Food Network likes what they see. A little drama, some comedy, what's not to like about you two?"

"The fact that we don't want it," I answered.

"But I do," Bob said innocently.

There was a beep. "Oh, that's me," Gerald said hastily. He paused as he read whatever device had beeped for him. "Oh, that's too bad," he said, "well, I'm afraid that the network has decided to pull the plug on our Bob and Phill idea. They're afraid that your negative attitude will detract from the overall mood of the show."

"What," I asked, "I detract from the overall mood? I'm just saying that I don't want to have cameras following me around everywhere. Where _are_ the cameras anyway?"

"Exactly," Gerald said, "If only you had noticed before it was too late. Well, good day to you."

There was only silence. This is what I liked. Silence. It was a rare thing with Bob here but I truly loved it. The silence.

"So, I was thinking," Bob started again.

This was how it always was. Bob would talk. I wouldn't listen. This was actually okay, especially once you got used to the sound of his voice. Then you can really tune it out and pretend there was silence. Yes, sitting next to him day and night wasn't so bad after all. Especially now that that annoying English cheese from the Talking Food Network was gone.


End file.
